Dig it, oh-oh-oh, dig it
dig it, oh-oh-oh, yeah
dig it, oh-oh-oh
dig it, oh-oh-oh, dig it
dig it, oh-oh-oh, yeah
with broken hands and weathered souls
emancipated from all you know
you got to go dig those holes
dig it, oh-oh-oh, yeah
you got to go dig those holes
dig it, oh-oh-oh, yeah
you got to go dig those holes
dig it, oh-oh-oh
[snake hissing]
Get that straight. Get that straight.
Let me tell you, boy, we're burnin' up back here, man.
This global warmin'.
Hole in the ozone is directly above my head.
The hole's in your head.
[Laughter]
[Rattling]
Barf bag!
- Man, what you doin'?! - Barf bag!
It ain't that bad! Come on, man! Come on, man!
This ain't funny, dog. Get back, barf bag, for real!
Come on! What are you doin'?!
- Barf bag, deal with it, baby! - Barf bag!
Aaaaaaaaaah!
[Grunts]
[Pants, groans]
Stanle y iv: All my life,
i seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My grandpa, stanley yelnats ii,
says it's all because of this 150-year-old curse.
Now, i don't really believe in the family curse,
but when things go wrong,
it kind of helps if you can blame it on something.
And for me, things went wrong a lot.
[Sniffs]
Oh, jeez! Oh!
Grandpa says our destiny is sealed.
[Siren wailing]
Could a pair of shoes falling from the sky
really be part of my destiny?
- Come here, boy! - Hold it right there!
- Did you steal those shoes? - Officer, i didn't do anything.
- What's your name, boy? - I'm stanley.
Stanley yelnats iv.
Stanle y iv: You see, my father, stanley yelnats iii,
is an inventor, and for the last few years,
he's been trying to find a cure... for foot odor.
[Laughs] I'm glad you're here.
This whole floor smells like stinky feet.
[Door hinges creak]
What did you do to my stanley?
Don't freak out. It's a bruise.
Can i just say right off the bat, this is a big mistake.
Don't say nothing until we talk to our lawyer!
You're gonna be sorry you ever messed with stanley yelnats!
Let me see that.
Just don't grab it out of their hands.
Why not?
Because you're gonna make 'em angry.
- Would you like a piece of cake? - Excuse me.
- Do we even have any cake? - How about some coffee?
[Hissing]
Now, that is a fine pair of shoes.
Could i just smell your shoe?
How about if you take your shoe off, and i'll just...
check the bedroom.
Just a minute! Where are you going?!
This warrant isn't warranted!
This will never hold up in court!
Uh-huh. Here it is.
We got him.
We share the room.
How do you know that's not mine?
Which bed is yours?
You don't have to answer that.
We have the right to remain silent.
Oh, wouldn't that be nice.
I sleep here.
It's all because of your no-good, dirty-rotten,
pig-stealing great-great-grandfather.
There is no curse on this family.
There is on the men in this family.
"If only, if only,"
- the woodpecker sighs - please don't sing that song.
"The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies"
please don't sing that song, not at my table!
Ma, relax. I don't believe in the curse, anyways.
We're gonna need a damn good lawyer.
We can't afford a lawyer, pa.
We don't need a lawyer. Stanley will tell the truth.
Stanley yelnats, please rise.
[Sighs] Stanley yelnats iv.
Sit down!
[Siren wails in distance]
I could send you to jail,
and i would not lose one bit of sleep over it.
[Whimpers]
But i don't know what good that would do.
There is currently a vacancy at camp green lake.
They help troubled youth build character.
The choice is yours.
Camp green lake... or jail.
[Feedback]
Uh, well, i never have been to camp before.
18 months, camp green lake, son.
[Eels' "eyes down" plays]
Well, the sun is shinin', but it don't feel good
don't smile down on this neighborhood
when i go walkin' through this stinkin' town
mister, i keep my eyes down
you keep your eyes down
the brotherhood of the misunderstood
live and die here, in all likelihood
you're livin' in this town, better pray for sundown
like all the men, you go downtown
you keep your eyes down
hey, baby!
You keep your eyes down
- [brakes squeak, hiss] - You keep your eyes down
you keep your eyes down
- thanks for the ride. - You keep your eyes down
[coughs]
Yo, fresh meat!
So, uh, where's the lake?
Hey, what did i just tell you? Don't be a wise guy.
Follow me.
[Fly buzzing]
[Crunching]
[Door hinges creak]
Sit down.
[Spits]
What's with the sunflower seeds, man?
I gave up smokin'.
Stanley yelnats...
...the fourth?
Yeah.
Everyone in my family names their son stanley
'cause it's yelnats backwards.
It's like this... it's a little...
it's a... tradition.
[Crunches]
My name is mr. Sir.
Whenever you speak to me, you will call me by my name.
Is that clear?
Yes, mr. Sir.
Do you think that's funny?
Huh?
No, mr. Sir.
This isn't a girl scout camp.
Understand?
Here.
Boy, you're a bag of tricks.
Thanks.
You thirsty, stanley?
Yes, mr. Sir.
Well, you better get used to it.
You're gonna be thirsty for the next 18 months.
[Indistinct conversations]
Look around you, yelnats. What do you see?
Any guard towers?
How about an electric fence?
Hmm?
No, mr. Sir.
You want to run away?
Go ahead, start running.
I won't stop you.
I'm warnin' you!
You heard the man, spence.
Oh, don't worry.
This here's for yellow-spotted lizards.
I wouldn't waste a bullet on you.
I'm not gonna run away, mr. Sir.
Good thinkin', yelnats.
Doesn't nobody run away from here. You know why?
We got the only water for 100 miles...
our own little oasis.
You want to run away, them buzzards will pick you clean
by the end of the third day.
Hi, mr. Sir.
Mr. Sir: Undress.
You get two sets of clothes...
one for work, one for relaxation.
After three days, your work clothes will be washed,
your second set becomes your work clothes.
- Is that clear? - Yes, mr. Sir.
You are to dig one hole each day...
5 foot deep, 5 foot in diameter.
Your shovel is your measuring stick.
The longer it takes you to dig,
the longer you'll be out in the hot sun.
Sorry, mr. Sir.
You need to keep alert for lizards and rattlesnakes.
Rattlesnakes?
You don't bother them, they won't bother you...
usually.
Being bit by a rattler ain't the worst thing
that can happen to you.
You won't die, usually.
But you don't want to get bit by a yellow-spotted lizard.
That is the worst thing that can happen to you.
You will die a slow and painful death...
...always.
[Door hinges creak]
- Stanley yelnats? - Yeah?
I just want you to know
that you may have done some bad things,
but that does not make you a bad kid.
I respect you, stanley.
Welcome to camp green lake.
I'm dr. Pendanski, your counselor.
Start that touchy-feely crap, i'm outta here.
Give him some towels, tokens. Set him up.
You'll be in "d" tent.
"D" stands for "diligence." That's the mess hall.
There's the rec room. And there's the showers.
There's only one knob
'cause there's only one temperature... cold.
And that's the warden's cabin over there.
That's the number-one rule at camp green lake...
do not upset the warden.
Yeah, he seemed kind of...
who?
Oh, mr. Sir? Oh, he's not the warden.
He's just been in a bad mood since he quit smokin'.
Hey, mom...
who's the neanderthal?
This is stanley.
So, what's happening with barf bag?
Oh, lewis won't be returning.
He's still in the hospital.
Stanley, meet rex, alan, and theodore.
Hi.
Yo, my name is x-ray.
And that's squid, that's armpit.
Him, he's mom.
They all have their little nicknames,
but i prefer to use the names their parents gave them,
the names society will recognize them by.
Theodore, why don't we show stanley his cot?
Go ahead, pit.
Dr. Pendanski: Welcome to your new home, stanley.
Barf bag slept here.
Keep your bed clean.
Hey, i'm magnet.
That's zigzag.
Hi.
[Indistinct conversations]
What i told you about leaving that thing right there, man?
And this... is zero.
Say hello to stanley, zero.
Do you want to know why they call him zero?
'Cause there's nothing goin' on in his stupid little head.
Did you tell him about the lizards?
Ricky, let's not scare stanley.
His name's not ricky. It's zigzag, all right?
Stanley, if you have any questions, just ask theodore.
Theodore will be your mentor.
You got that, theodore?
Yeah, man. Whatever, dude.
I'm depending on you.
It should be no labor to be nice to your neighbor.
Hey, theodore, is there a place
where i can fill my canteen up with water?
I know he smells that.
Yo, my name is not theodore.
It's armpit.
There's a water spigot over there.
Man, pit, what you gotta be so mean for?
Armpit: Man, i ain't mean. I'm his mentor.
Ain't that what i'm supposed to do?
Thanks, armpit.
Man, whatever.
Man on p. A: Today's menu... chili, string beans,
refried beans, garbanzo beans,
green beans, and banana jello.
[Laughter]
Hey, stanley, come here, boy.
This is where you sit.
Sit down.
Hey, yo, new kid.
Hey, yo.
See, you didn't dig today.
So, uh, you wouldn't mind giving up your bread
to somebody who did, now, would you?
No, you can have it.
So, what'd they get you for?
Stealing a pair of shoes.
[Laughter]
From the store, or were they still on someone's feet?
No, no, he just killed the dude first.
You just left out that little detail, right?
They were clyde livingston's shoes.
- Sweetfeet? - What?
Man, you did not steal no clyde livingston's sweetfeet shoes.
His world series cleats.
Hold on, hold on. How did you get 'em?
He's, like, the fastest guy in the majors, right?
Only guy to hit four triples in one game.
[Laughter]
Clyde livingston donated his shoes
to this... homeless shelter.
Did they have red x's on 'em?
- What'd he just say? - Huh?
You got zero to talk.
Hey, yo, what else can you do, zero?
Yeah.
Yeah, they did.
Tell us a little something of your background...
mr. Livingston.
Besides the fact
that it was your donated shoes that were stolen,
what other connection might you have with this case?
Well, i was an orphan.
I grew up in that home.
I don't understand
what type of person steals from homeless children.
You're no fan of mine.
[Snoring]
[Insects chirping]
[Farts, sniffs]
It was all because of your no-good, dirty-rotten,
pig-stealing great-great-grandfather.
That's who sealed our destiny.
Why do you think none of his inventions work?
Pa.
I learn from failure.
Doesn't matter how smart you are.
You need luck... something we ain't got.
Yeah, what about your father, the first stanley yelnats?
He wasn't so unlucky.
You told me he made a fortune in the stock market.
- Some luck. - Yeah, he lost everything.
He was robbed by kissin' kate barlow.
Get on up outta there!
Gimme your loot!
[Gun cocks]
Are you kidding me?
She kiss him?
[Smooches]
Oh, no. She only kissed the men she killed.
What you got down there, huh?
Pass it up! Come on!
She left him stranded in the desert.
Come on, boys! Let's ride!
No water, no food for 16 days.
If she'd have kissed him, she'd have killed him.
You'd have never been born.
[Snoring continues]
[Reveille plays]
[Whistle blows]
Smiling faces! Smiling faces!
The early mole digs the deepest hole.
Shovels on the left, tortillas on the right.
Let's go!
Okay, come and get it.
Let's go! Come on, magnet! Open them peepers!
Let's go! Let's go!
Head's still on the pillow!
This ain't no dreamland. It's reality.
Let's go, hotshots! Step up and get your...
hey, man, you picked up x-ray's shovel.
It's shorter than the rest of them.
Smaller shovel, smaller hole.
[Little axe's "down to the valley" plays]
H-e-e-e-ey
oh, sinners, let's go down
let's go down
oh, sinners, let's go down
down in the valley to pray
oh, sinners
- this isn't a girl scout camp. - Let's go down
- nobody's gonna babysit you. - Let's go down
- dig here. - Oh, sinners, let's go down
now, if you find anything interesting,
you are to report it to me or pendanski.
If the warden likes what you find,
you get the rest of the day off.
What am i supposed to be looking for, mr. Sir?
You're not looking for anything.
You're building character.
You take a bad boy, make him dig holes all day,
and it turns him into a good boy.
That's our philosophy here at camp green lake.
Start digging.
Show me the way
good lord, show me the way
one down, 10 million to go.
Show me the way
good lord, show me the way
oh, sinners, let's go down
let's go down
[groans]
Excuse me, can you throw that in another pile or something,
'cause it keeps getting in my hole.
Shut up!
Watch where you're moving your dirt!
Watch where you're throwing your dirt, stanley.
[Laughter]
Stanle y ii: It was all because of your no-good, dirty-rotten,
pig-stealing great-great-grandfather,
elya yelnats.
It started in a little village in latvia.
He was shoveling in morris menke's barn,
when myra, his beautiful daughter, walked by.
[Chuckles] And that was it.
So what does your great-great-grandfather do?
He goes to a fortune-teller, madame zeroni, for advice.
All you think about is myra menke.
I know.
That's when our troubles began.
Listen to madame zeroni.
You should go to america.
That's where my son is.
That's your future, not myra menke.
Her head's as empty as a flowerpot.
Mr. Menke...
i would like your permission to marry your daughter.
You too?
[Grunts]
Lgor barkov has offered his fattest pig for her.
What do you got?
A heart full of love.
[Laughter]
He's just a boy!
I'd rather have a fat pig.
[Both laughing]
Morris menke is a schmuck.
Okay, here's what you do.
Take the little one.
[All snorting]
But this solves nothing.
So it will grow.
Every day, you carry the pig up the mountain.
Make it drink the water from the stream while you sing...
"if only, if only," the woodpecker sighs
woodpecker sighs.
"The bark on the tree was as soft as the skies"
while the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely
he cries to the moon, "if only, if only"
every day, the pig will get fatter,
and you will get stronger.
Now, after you give the pig to menke,
you must carry madame zeroni up the mountain
and sing while i drink so i can get strong, too.
[Laughing]
But if you forget to come back for madame zeroni,
you and your family
will be cursed for always and eternity.
[Laughing]
[Up-tempo music plays]
[Translation from spanish] Rosalito is getting nearer
- get your water, dog. - Oh, my god.
Here comes the water truck.
- First hole's the hardest. - Let's go!
Hey, mr. Sir.
What you doin', man? Get your place in line, magnet!
Keep your hands off of me, man!
So, how'd it go your first day, yelnats?
Got some blisters on you?
- Big, fat blisters. - Yeah.
Well, don't worry.
Everything turns to callus eventually.
That's life. Next.
[Pig snorting]
Myra, who do you choose...
igor barkov or elya yelnats?
You want me to decide?
That's right, my blossom.
[Chuckles]
Gee, i don't know.
[Pigs snorting]
Which pig weighs more?
They are the same.
Oh, i know!
I will think of a number between 1 and 10.
Okay, i'm ready.
Marry lgor.
You can keep my pig as wedding present.
[Laughter]
Two pigs for one daughter!
[Laughter continues]
[Spits]
You done already?
Don't you know, man?
He's, like, the fastest digger in the camp.
He's a mole. I think he eats the dirt.
He's a weird dude.
Moles don't eat dirt.
Worms eat dirt, dog.
[Bell dinging]
[Whistle blows]
Stanle y ii: So that was it.
He took madame zeroni's advice
and went to america, like her son,
but the dummy forgot to go back
and carry madame zeroni up the mountain.
Madame zeroni: If you forget to come back for madame zeroni,
you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.
[Laughing]
Stanle y iv: Somebody help me!
Anybody up there?!
[Coughs]
I'm done with my hole now!
[Grunting]
Oh, god.
[Grunting]
Oh, god.
[Sighs]
- [Gun cocks] - Don't move.
Oh, f...
[gunshot]
[Hisses]
[Shrieks]
Aah!
[Gunshot]
[Gasps]
Get your stuff.
Get yourself a good sleep, son.
- Yes, sir. - Yeah.
Oh, my god!
[Gunshot]
What color was its blood?
I don't know. I couldn't tell.
I wish i'd have seen it.
- Bam! - [Laughs]
If mr. Sir didn't shoot it...
stanley, you'd be in a hole.
Did you know that each one's got exactly 11 spots?
Yeah, man, but if you ever get close enough to count 'em...
[lmitates slashing sound] ...you're dead.
Look, it's the lizards we're working for, man.
We build their houses for 'em.
I mean, yesterday, i saw like 10 of them in one hole.
Man, we ain't diggin' for no lizards.
What we diggin' for?
Like mr. Sir said,
we're diggin' to build some character.
[Laughter]
[Gunshot]
[Growls]
[Record player crackles, reveille plays]
- Come on! Wake up, buddy! - Feelin' mighty fine
- stanle y iv: "dear mom... - feelin' mighty fine
"i'm having a wonderful time at camp.
"The food's great.
Not as good as yours, of course, but i like it."
Feelin' mighty fine at this time
"we've been out on the lake all day."
Where's a person go to the bathroom around here?
- Man, pick a hole. Any hole. - Feelin' mighty fine
"once i pass the swimming test,
"i'll get to learn how to water-ski.
I've made lots of friends."
Oh, you're goin' to hell for sure.
- [Laughter] - Feelin' mighty fine
"and the water is cool and refreshing."
- [Clunk] - At his time
"you'd like my counselor. He's a doctor."
Smells like puke from a mule
been ruminating on asparagus for two weeks.
"And i'm really enjoying the wildlife."
Don't believe a word they say about me
because l'm feelin' mighty fine
feelin' mighty fine
- rent time! Pay up! - This time
"the other boys aren't bad kids.
Like me, they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
Get on there, fool!
"Well, that's it for now, ma.
"Say hi to dad and grandpa for me.
Love, your son, stanley."
Who you writin' to?
Aw, you miss your mommy and daddy?
- I don't want them to worry. - They don't care.
- Give me the letter. - Believe me...
they're glad to be rid of you.
[Rock music plays]
[Smooches]
Found something.
It's a fossil. You see that?
- Well, that's interesting. - Do i get a day off?
What?
That's what mr. Sir said.
He said that if i found something interesting,
i get the day off.
Stanley, the warden isn't interested in fossils.
Let me see that.
- What is it? - Man, see, look.
[Singsong voice] Look at the little fishies!
Aw!
[Normal voice] i mean, it look like those cave pictures, man.
- Ain't nothin', anyway. - Fossil.
I tell you what, i think stanley belongs in a cave, man.
I told you he was a neanderthal the first time i saw him.
Guess there really was a lake out here once, right?
There was a town, too.
The warden's grandfather owned the lake
and half the town.
[Whistle blowing]
[Indistinct conversations]
Whoo!
Tie her off, there, boys. All right, now.
Get your sweet, sweet magical onions!
Get your elixirs, health potions, onion tonics.
Onions. Get your onions here, folks.
God's own chosen vegetable.
Nature's magic vegetables right here, folks.
Mr. Collingwood, let me see that head of yours.
- My head? - Yes, sir.
Yeah, that's what i thought.
I got exactly what you need.
Just rub this on his head every night, mrs. Collingwood,
and before you know it, his hair's gonna be
as long and as thick as mary lou's mane.
- [Bell ringing] - Sam, thank you.
The ancient egyptians knew the secrets of the onions.
How its potent juices can cure stomachaches and toothaches,
measles and mumps, rheumatism, hemorrhoids.
[Children giggle]
If you don't believe me, just ask mary lou.
All she eats is onions, and she's almost 100 years old.
How would you know, sam? You're not a day over 25.
Nature's magic vegetable, miss katherine.
I don't care how much gold there is back there,
i ain't goin' back without some lizard juice.
I see your friend back there wasn't so smart.
Too bad he didn't know...
yellow-spotted lizards don't like my onion juice.
Get your sweet, sweet onions, folks.
Health potions, lizard oils, onion tonics, cure-alls.
And for you, miss katherine,
i have this special bag of onions.
Thank you.
- And your peaches. - Thank you.
Sometimes i think green lake, texas, is heaven on earth.
Those peaches are the work of an angel.
I like peaches.
[Laughter]
Come on, boys.
Buy you a drink, sheriff?
Buy me two.
[Bird chirping]
That was some lame crap you pulled.
What?
Look, man, you ever find anything,
give it to me, you understand?
I've been here for over six months and never found anything.
No one has.
Why should you get a day off when you just got here?
You know what i'm saying. It's only fair.
Right?
- Right? - Right.
That's what i call an informed decision, dog.
[Indistinct conversations, rock music plays]
What are you doing? No. I'm watching that.
Not today you ain't.
Look, you broke it!
Right there!
[Grunts]
Watch it!
You watch it, man.
What you say to me?
Sorry, man. I didn't mean to hit you.
You're a dead man!
Hey, hey.
Hey, just chill, okay, man? All right?
Look, we start a fight now,
the warden will come down hard on all of us.
Just keep that punk away from me!
- Cool. - Just chill.
It's all good.
Just relax.
Here's your tunes, man.
Don't look at him. He's crazy. You understand me?
Hey, nobody messes with the caveman.
Nobody.
Did you see the caveman back there?
No, i don't want to mess with anybody.
[Whistle blows]
- Let's go eat. - Hey, you coming, caveman?
Come on, caveman. Come on.
Come on, caveman.
What?
Caveman?
So i'm caveman?
It's better than barf bag.
Come on, little fishes.
Get your lake water.
You get it?
Lake water... it's a joke.
You're here now, caveman, all right?
- Let's go, fellas. - Move up, fool.
Hey, x, when you moving me up?
Mr. Sir: Can i start now, your highness?
Yes, mr. Sir.
Dr. Pendanski: What about you, jose? What do you like?
Magnet: I like animals.
That's what got magnet sent here in the first place.
[Laughter]
Man, it's criminal the way they keep them locked up in cages.
No, jose. What you did was criminal.
No, no. Tell 'em, magnet.
They wanted 1,000 bucks for just one puppy.
- What? - Yeah.
I would've made it out if my pocket didn't start barking.
[Laughter]
You boys get one life, and so far,
you've done a pretty good job of screwing it up.
So, you're caveman now... big shot.
Got a nickname.
Well, let me tell you something, caveman,
you are here on account of one person.
You know who that person is?
Yeah.
My no-good, dirty-rotten,
pig-stealing great-great-grandfather.
That's who it is.
[Laughter]
No.
You screwed your life up, stanley yelnats,
and it's up to you to fix it.
It's not gonna be easy,
but you'd be surprised what you can accomplish
once you set your mind to it.
Even zero here isn't completely worthless.
What about you, zero?
What do you like to do?
You just won't talk with me, will you?
Man, he only talks to caveman, yo.
You think you're better than all this?
I like diggin' holes.
Then you're in the right place for it, buddy boy.
"My dearest stanley,
"your letters make me feel like one of the other moms
who can afford to send their kids to summer camp."
Do not touch my shoes!
"Your father thinks he's real close to a breakthrough.
"I do hope so, stanley, because the landlord
is threatenin' to evict us because of the odor."
Sir, you are an insult to the chemistry of smell!
Eight months!
I am going to boil it with cross-trainers!
Aah! Aah!
"I feel so sorry for the old lady who lived in the shoe,
'cause it must have smelled real bad."
[Stanley laughs]
[Chuckles] She's crazy.
What are you laughing at?
Just something my mom wrote.
[Clears throat] she said...
"i feel sorry for the little old lady who lived in the shoe,
'cause it must have smelled really bad."
[Chuckles]
You know, like the nursery rhyme.
I feel really awkward
with you reading over my shoulder like that, so...
i can't read.
Can you teach me?
Um...
you know, i'm not really a good teacher,
and, uh, i get tired from digging all day,
so i just want to come back and chill, you know?
Just relax.
See you in there?
[Hip-hop music plays]
Look at this guy, caveman. Check it out.
Whoo!
[All groaning]
Armpit, put it down! Put it down!
Armpit!
Hey, look... a cloud.
Right there.
Maybe it'll move in front of the sun.
Come on, little cloud.
You can do it.
Please, that's all i'm asking for
is just a little shade.
Warden owns the shade, man.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
Maybe we'll get some clouds.
It will rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Yeah, and we'll have to build an ark
and get two of each animal.
Yeah, two scorpions, two rattlesnakes,
two yellow-spotted lizards... all of that.
[Indistinct yelling in distance]
Hey.
What do you got there, caveman?
What?
What you got there?
I don't know.
[Clears throat]
Hey, x...
i think i might have found something.
[Sighs]
X-ray: Let me see that.
What do you think?
[Sniffles]
Looks like an old shotgun shell or something, man.
No, man, it's too skinny to be a shotgun shell.
No. No, it's not a shotgun shell.
Yeah. No, it's not a shotgun shell.
Look at this. You see that little heart?
You see that?
With the letters in it right there?
Yeah.
- "K.b." that's what it is. - Let me see.
- Let me see it. - K.b.?
Yeah. Yeah. That's keith berenger.
Man, who is that?
- He was in my math class. - [Laughs]
- Stupid. - Good thinking, zigzag.
Yeah, it must belong to him, huh?
Yeah, it must belong to him.
Well, i'm gonna go show it to mom.
Maybe i'll get the rest of the day off.
No. No. Your hole's already dug.
I'm not even close. I'm gonna be out here all day.
Yeah? So?
So, uh, why don't you, uh,
why don't you just turn it in tomorrow?
You know, give it to mom in the morning?
Then you get the whole day off.
That's good thinking, caveman.
[Chuckles] I like that.
Pretty smart, caveman. Pretty smart.
No matter how you're sad and blue
there's always someone who has it worse than you
sometimes you gotta pay your dues
so don't worry, just push on through
keepin' it real
gotta big up all my peoples who be working on the future
though they know they gotta struggle
keepin' it real
to all my homies working on the 9 to 5
and doing right to keep themselves...
- there you are, x. - Keepin' it real
good morning, theodore.
Man, it's armpit.
Yo, i don't know no fool named theodore, all right?
Well, i don't know no fool named armpit.
Whatever.
There's your water, whoever you are.
Hey, mom! I think i found something.
Come here for a second. I think i found something.
Looks like a... golden bullet or something, doesn't it?
It's nice, right? So i get the day off now, right?
You just might. We're gonna call the warden.
Hey, lou... you better get down here.
I think we got something.
We got something nice.
Sometime
get a hump in my back, sometime
l'm going over here, sometimes
till my honey comes back, sometimes
l'm gonna grab that jack, sometimes
get a hump in my back, sometimes
l'm going over here, sometimes
till my honey comes back, sometimes
l'm gonna grab that jack, sometimes
get a hump in my back, sometimes
l'm going over here, sometimes
till my honey comes back, sometimes
whew. Oh, man.
Get a hump in my back, sometimes
l'm going over here, sometimes
right over there.
Till my honey comes back, sometimes
l'm gonna grab that jack, sometimes
get a hump in my back, sometimes
l'm going over here, sometimes
till my honey comes back, sometimes
l'm gonna grab that jack, sometimes
get a hump in my back
this where you found it?
Yes, ma'am.
Dr. Pendanski, drive x-ray back to camp.
Give him double shower tokens and a snack.
But first, fill everyone's canteen.
I already filled them.
Excuse me?
I had already filled them when you drove up in the car.
Excuse me?
Did i ask you when you last filled them?
- No. You didn't, but... - excuse me.
Now, these fine boys have been working hard.
Don't you think it just might be possible
they have taken a drink since you filled their canteens?
It's possible.
- Oh, it's possible, is it? - [Chuckles]
Caveman! You come over here, please.
- Get over there. - That's right.
Go on. Come on over. Come on over.
Warden: Now, did you, by any chance, take a drink
since he filled your canteen?
Oh, no. I'm fine. I have plenty.
Excuse me?
I might have, uh, drinken some.
Thank you.
May i have your canteen, please?
Oh, god.
[Water sloshing]
Can you hear the empty spaces?
Yes, i can hear.
Fill it.
If that's too much trouble, you can grab a shovel,
and caveman here can fill the canteens.
Armpit! Squid!
Get them wheelbarrows out of the truck!
Zero, you take over x-ray's hole.
Caveman will assist you.
We're gonna dig this dirt twice.
[Engine turns over]
Y'all be good now, you hear? [Chuckles]
Get c&f over here.
Get c&f over here!
L'm gonna be a wheel someday
- come on, boys. Let's see it. - L'm gonna be somebody
use those muscles.
- Keep it up. - Then i won't want you
this is a special day.
I got a good feeling about today.
There you go.
I'm feeling some double shower tokens, boys.
There'll be steaks for dinner tonight.
- Keep it up. - Then i won't want you
you're doing fine!
- No hurry. - You can cry
we don't want to miss anything.
Mr. Sir: We don't want to miss nothing.
Keep digging.
- Pick every rock now. - When i go rolling by
make sure it's a real rock.
- Caveman! Let's go! - Then i won't want you
hey, how'd she know my name, man?
Oh, she's got the whole place wired.
Oh, yeah, she's got these little, tiny microphones
and cameras all over the place.
Yeah, she's got 'em in the rec room.
She's got 'em in the tent.
- She's got 'em in the showers. - They're not in the showers.
Man, don't listen to him. I read his file.
It says he suffers from, um, acute paranoia.
Hey, so that means she watches me every day, huh?
Man, he says she got cameras and microphones,
not microscopes.
- [Laughter] - Get outta here, man.
[Thunder rumbles]
Okay, children, come back first thing in the morning.
Okay? Rain or shine, we're gonna have school.
Put your cap on.
Oh, here, take that, louise.
Bye, miss katherine.
See you tomorrow!
Hello, miss katherine.
Hello, sam.
I thought you might still want some onions.
Thank you.
I can fix that.
Sam, are you gonna try to tell me now
that your onions are a cure for a leaky roof?
Naw.
I'm just good with my hands.
I built my own boat, you know.
I need it to get across the lake to my onion field.
Well, then, i guess you'd be in real trouble
if your boat leaked.
I tell you what... i'll fix that roof
in exchange for three jars of your spiced peaches.
It's a deal.
[Birds chirping]
Well, miss katherine,
i guarantee that roof for five years.
If there's anything else...
[sighs] The windows won't open.
And the children and i would enjoy a breeze now and then.
I can fix that.
"And this maiden, she lived with no other thought
"than to love and be loved by me.
"She was a child, and i was a child
"in this kingdom by the sea.
But we loved..."
"with a love that was more than love...
i and my annabel lee."
Sam.
You know, that door doesn't hang straight.
I can fix that.
"The duck swims on the lake."
Very good, mr. Penn.
Thank you, ma'am.
[Mockingly] The duck may swim on the lake,
but my daddy owns the lake.
[Laughter]
[Laughter fades]
That will be all for tonight.
Thank you, class. You're dismissed.
Come on, boys.
[Indistinct conversations]
Whew.
Hey, katherine...
how about me and you, uh, having a little picnic?
Take a ride on my motorboat.
No, thank you, mr. Walker.
It's brand-new.
I mean, you don't even have to row it.
No, thank you.
Uh, come on now, girl.
Hey.
No one ever says no to trout walker.
I believe i just did.
[Insects chirping]
Come on, boys.
We're digging around, all around.
Then we're digging toward the center, see?
That's how we do it.
Today's the day. I can feel it.
Dr. Pendanski: You know, the ancient mesopotamians...
they didn't have shovels.
Glad to have you back, x-ray. We can use your sharp eyes.
Hello, warden.
Ma'am, i think i found something.
Are you trying to be funny,
or do you just think i'm stupid?
No, ma'am, i wasn't trying to be funny.
Excuse me?
Well, armpit, your little joke
just cost you a week of shower privileges.
Aw!
All right. Everyone back to work.
- Man, you sleeping outside. - You heard her... back to work.
Aside from that, everything's going real well.
I don't think so. I want results.
Sam, this is the finest schoolhouse in all of texas.
[Laughs] Thank you.
Thank you, miss katherine.
Hello, my friend, it's been a while
lt's nice to see your beautiful smile
we went our separate ways
only to return
to face a lesson
we failed to learn
we didn't understand the truth
we're blinded by the eyes of youth
[thunder rumbles]
- I can fix that. - Time kept on moving
and the change has come
the change has come
you think that i don't know
where you're coming from
well, i feel just like you
and i cry just like you
i cry
but i heal
heal
just like you
come on. Ha!
Under my skin
under my skin
l'm just like you
four days.
Four long days.
And this is all you jackasses got to show for it.
Probably ain't nothing down there.
We would have found it by now.
I wouldn't tell the queen bee that.
I ain't on stupid pills.
What are you jawing about?
If you can't get 'em to dig any faster,
you can grab a shovel and join 'em.
How about that? Huh?
Get to work!
This ain't no kindergartners in the sandbox.
I want to see some effort here or i'll put a hurt on you.
I ain't just whistling "bye-bye, sue" neither.
I am surrounded by cow turds.
[Indistinct yelling, glass breaking]
Stop it! Stop it!
- Yeah! - [Gunshots]
Lady, where you going?
[Katherine crying]
Stop it!
Do something!
Yeah, girl! How do you like me now?!
Sheriff!
Sheriff! Come quick!
They're destroying the school!
Give me a kiss.
You kissed the onion picker.
You're drunk.
I always get drunk before a hanging.
If you hang him, then you better hang me, too,
because i kissed him back.
It ain't against the law for you to kiss him,
just for him to kiss you.
[Grunts]
[Indistinct yelling in distance]
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
There she is!
Come on, now!
Sam!
[Engine chugging]
[Gasps]
Sam!
[Gunshot]
Sam!
[Sobs]
[Sighs]
Listen up.
After the behavior exhibited these past several days,
the warden and i have decided
that your character-building be best served
by returning to the digging of individual holes.
[Groans]
Over to you.
All right!
Let's go dig, boys!
Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
[Footsteps approaching]
Good morning, sheriff.
Do you still want that kiss?
[Gun cocks]
[Gunshot]
[Wind howling]
Water's the most precious commodity
on the face of the planet.
All life begins with water.
[Water sloshing]
So think of it this way... i'm giving you life.
Say thank you.
Thank you, mr. Sir.
Next!
[Thunder rumbles]
Don't get your hopes up.
Them storms never make it past the mountains.
Maybe this time they will.
I got a story for you girl scouts.
[Spits]
Once upon a time...
there was a magical place where it never rained.
The end.
[Chuckles]
I don't get it.
Have a nice day.
[Sighs] I never get anything he says.
[Truck door closes, engine turns over]
[Rock music plays]
Guys. Hey, guys.
What?
Anybody want some sunflower seeds?
- Whoo! - [Laughter]
I can't help it, man. My hands are like magnets.
Good old magnet.
You got some sticky fingers.
- Pass it over here, man. - I'll take some of those.
Hey, zig, come on, man. Hurry up.
Mr. Sir's coming back.
Hey, he's coming back! He's coming back!
Catch it.
Oh, stanley, you butterfingers!
He's coming back.
You better hide it.
Hide it.
Come on, man.
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
Well, well.
How did this get here?
What?
How did that get there?
Did it fall from the sky, huh?
[Sniffles] no.
[Spits]
I stole that out of your truck.
I think maybe the warden would like to see
what you found.
Let's go.
Y'all having a nice day?
Yes, mr. Sir.
Good.
Hey, what are you doing, dog?
- Caveman... - see what turns up.
- [Spits] - [Country music playing]
What?
We found a little something in caveman's hole.
What is it? What'd you find?
Come in. Come in. You're letting the cold out.
[Sighs]
Mr. Sir: Tell her.
While mr. Sir was filling our canteens...
i snuck into his truck
and, uh, stole his sunflower seeds.
Yeah.
That's it.
[Clears throat]
Caveman, would you, uh, kindly bring me that little brass case
in the bureau over there with my nail polish in it?
Yeah, sure.
Them little diddles
think i don't have eyes in the back of my head.
But i don't miss much... as you well know.
You know, my philosophy is...
see, i keep 'em in line... punishment and reward.
Punishment... reward.
Every time they see me coming,
a little shiver goes up their spine.
"D" tent... snaky little bunch, you know.
They think they're a step ahead of me,
but i'm miles ahead of them.
I come back at night. I look around.
I see in their eyes. They know i know.
Come right over here, son.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
See this, caveman?
This is my special nail polish.
I make it myself.
You want to know my secret ingredient?
Rattlesnake venom.
I just love what it does to the coloring.
It's perfectly harmless.
When it's dry.
So you think he stole your sunflower seeds.
No, i don't.
I think he's covering for x-ray or somebody.
It was a 5-pound sack,
and he claims to have eaten it all.
But it was only half-full when i got it.
And, uh, there's a lot in my hole.
You could check that.
I will. I will check it.
Aaah-aah!
Aah!
[Mr. Sir gasping]
Mr. Sir: All i give you is respect and affection...
i suggest you go back to your hole now.
[Gasping]
Why'd you do that?
Ooh!
I liked you better when you smoked.
[Feet tapping]
Hey, look who showed up.
Hey, man, we thought you were dead for sure.
Hey, caveman, what'd you say?
Nothing.
What'd she do to you?
Nothing.
Pbbtt. Nothing?
Yeah. She didn't do nothing.
[Laughing] What is this?
Thank you, guys.
Man.
- Don't look at us. - Yeah, it was zero.
That boy likes to dig holes.
He'd dig a hole to china, man.
Yeah, man.
But where do them chinese kids dig to?
Man, shut up.
Hey, zero.
Why'd you dig my hole, man?
You didn't steal the sunflower seeds.
Yeah, but neither did you.
You didn't steal the shoes.
You still want to learn to read?
All right, man.
I don't like no hocus-pocus. $ 14 for onions.
We don't need no stinking onions.
You told me to get onions, i get onions.
- I want to taste it. - Go ahead and taste it.
- I don't care. Go ahead. - I'll taste it, then.
I'm tasting it.
Whoa.
What happened to your face?
[Clattering]
Something the matter with my face? Huh?
No. No, mr. Sir.
You got that right.
[Crashing, clattering]
Anybody see anything wrong with my face?
Huh?!
I think i'm kind of purty, don't you?
All: Yes, sir.
Clean this up.
[Beck's "he's a mighty good leader" plays]
[Footsteps departing]
I think we just learned a valuable lesson.
We're all people, and mr. Sir is a very sensitive man,
just like all of us.
Leader, he's a mighty good leader
- he's a mighty good leader - next.
All the way
all the way, lord
- you thirsty, yelnats? - From up to heaven
- yes, mr. Sir. - He's a mighty good leader
[faucet squeaks]
There. That should hold you.
Next!
[Horse whinnies]